Oh and by the way

Two cousins expecting in January. One is half Black. How do you like that? A half Black DeAngelis! The other is half Japanese/Hawaiian. Not bad, you rebellious cousins, you.

Chill. Really chill.

2,014 minus 1,988 equals how many years back I just time traveled

Rolled out of the old Emerson garage today, me and my fellow biker chick, and we headed down the block toward Ye Olde Town Library. "Let's slow down for the stroller..." Wwwwaaaait a second. Jason Raymond. The first boy I ever kissed. Walking toward me with a kidlet in a stroller. Aaaaaaand we are clear for meltdown, Zoe. Integrity of training wheels in question...emotions running high; frustration, tears, panic. Uh, come on Zoe, umm, got a little situation here, what? I, uh, let's get going, your training wheels are not coming loose, let's just go, okaaaaaayyyyy. Very smooth. As per the usual.

That's all. I mean I grew up here. It's not that surprising. Maybe the timing, er...no, it's a nice day, he's off for the summer, he lives a couple blocks from here. Big deal.

...

I'd have check my 8th grade diary to be absolutely positive, but there's a super high chance that the kiss happened on or very close to this day, right after 4th of July, during the afternoon showing of Beetlejuice at the Prospect Theater on Main St., in 1988. On the spot where condos now stand. Steps from where I was standing today.

After the movie I never saw him again until winter 2010 at a school reunion. Wrote about it the whole summer before high school. I couldn't understand why he never called me. And naturally since he didn't call, it meant I was undesirable. Girls didn't call boys in those days. Not nice girls, anyway.

So that's 2 sightings. Who's counting.

Easing up

The more I study this photo, the more I am grateful for this weird mixed up life. Not only do I get to travel downtown with this little gal, we have this wonderful arrangement with her grandparents that allows her to spend a couple hours/week trying out dance classes at the premier dance academy in the heart of Chicago. And at the end of the day, every day, I am blessed (truly, I'm not saying this with any sarcasm) to be the parent of this amazing creature who is gorgeous, brilliant, graceful, kind, tenacious, witty, and whose face reflects the qualities of every family member I love, even those who have passed on. It's not often I get the time and space I need to fully appreciate the moment while I'm in it. Luckily I had a photo-and now a sketch-to elongate this moment.

Working on not working

Maybe it's the floor-shaking vibrations of machinery on two sides, men in hard hats both tearing down and building up, that has me thinking of fastidious tasks to accomplish today, the first of two unscheduled days on this extended vacation. I'm buzzing from espresso and raren to go. Already ripped out some unnecessary cushioning on my balcony chairs. Thinking about breaking down the dirty old gas grill taking up valuable space. Got my muscles flexed and I'm ready to put on real shoes and start fixing up this place. Lately I've been wondering if 2 trips to Starbucks in one day is unreasonable.

Ah, blissful times

How is it possible that I didn't leave my home yesterday? I was technically outdoors, yes, but upon walking back from the coffee shop just now I realized how good it felt to touch the earth, and that I hadn't done it since like Saturday evening.

So it was Saturday evening and Z had put on a movie for us (claiming I had missed a certain scene so it was time for me to catch up). And I got that drowsy, drunken feeling all cuddled up on the couch under a blanket, and just rode it to slumberland. Till Z started yanking on my arms and insisting it was time to go try out our new headlamps on a night bike ride. It was only 7 pm or something...and spitting rain...but for once this kid was insisting on physical exercise outdoors so how could I say no. First she said "only to Louis St." To which I said, how about a little more. We got about a mile away to the Walgreens, locked up the bikes, and went in to waste some cash. When I unlocked the bikes I sort of clumsily dropped hers down the curb...and about then I must've knocked the training wheel loose. She got on, and started to wobble over to that side, and then did a nice slow motion tumble into the grass (thankfully not in traffic on Mt. Prospect Ave). Through panicked tears and gasps, she decided she was **done** and that we would walk the bikes home. Tried reasoning with her. But she scowled and stomped (I felt like I was watching an old home movie of myself at age 7--or 40) and ignored me the whole way home, wincing and fighting tears each time her shins got battered by bike pedals. Childhood sucks sometimes. More than adulthood.

Here she is blissfully coasting downhill before the cruel world turned on her.

Taking "my time"

On a day such as this (what is it, the 6th? Of July?)....when the air is soft and forgiving, my skin glowing from sun, why is it that I can't just be here and enjoy the day and the earth and the flow of all that is good. I keep checking my device for reassurance in the form of pleas for my company. And thinking of ways to dodge them if they appear.

Gotta fill up my day. Gotta wash this, gotta fold that, gotta paint and move and read and rest (don't forget rest, for God's sake). Plan and think and finish and start, improve and throw away and mend and tear up and deodorize and sanitize.

No, I have so much to do.

But-I want a hug. I want to breathe with you. And listen. And hear. And hug some more.

I'm getting so good at saying no. The part I can't handle is the silence afterward.