I'm an office manager. I answer the phone, oversee the sales efforts, keep the fridge stocked...the to-do list grows every week.
When I'm told something once, especially in an aggressive tone, I don't forget it, ever. As in, "that person wanted some general information about an aircraft. I don't want to talk to them. You should always direct calls like that to (our research person)." Any time a caller asks me a question, I instinctively want to do as I was told that one time and direct that person to our researcher. I have been told numerous times not to bother the "guys" with calls that aren't related to sales. Aggressive sales guy scolded me once for transferring a call blindly and regularly tells me he doesn't want to talk to people who are asking for him by name. At times I have been fully aware that he is the person who is designated to take a call but I'm so uneasy about asking him to take it, that I take a message simply to avoid speaking to him. The fear of failure is compounded because the harder someone comes down on me, the harder I will be on myself for making a stupid mistake.
Today what sounded like research-related question was in fact a straight up sales call. I'd have known that if I took a moment to scan our listings instead of clamming up because I was embarrassed of my ignorance. After I had a minute to think about it, I realized that it would have been appropriate to send our sales guy the call. But he called me out before I could explain myself. I short circuited and my anger took over because I felt threatened by his tone. (His "approach," as my fellow associate called it when he stepped in to de-escalate my outburst.)
And that resulted in two hours of trying to step back my reaction and return to the calm focus I need to have to navigate unknown territory. I've been dealing with this particular anxiety since I left home after high school. It used to strike while hiking in the woods, and still does occasionally when I can't check in with gps. Truly the greatest comfort, generally speaking, is being able to see exactly where I am. Or even better, being led by someone who isn't afraid of being lost. Without this I feel a terrifying sense of panic.
So maybe it's early senility setting in, or learning about a contemporary I knew in high school who suffered a slow death from pancreatic cancer, or learning of a neighbor who shot herself in the head last week, or knowing that my young child is home alone while I try to make a living, or not having a firm lease in place, or the knowledge that my office is relocating, or a combination of all those lost and scared emotions, that set me on a bad path today.
Staring at my phone and putting this into words is the only way to pull myself together. Escaping is my main goal, but bearing down with a semblance of dignity is what pays the bills, so I'm going with that.
