Oh man.

I woke up in Boulder yesterday. Today I woke up in my own bed. Still can't believe that I triumphed over my short attention span to make that 16 hour trip in one day. That's something out of a presidential campaign itinerary. Glad I don't have to drive for a living. I was getting awfully goofy at the end.

Colorado. Rocky Mountain High. And today, Illinois. Flatland Hangover. Totally having a morning after guilt trip. I can't believe I got so swept up, again. You and your bluebird skies, shimmering blanket of powdery snow, beautiful people, healthy food, charismatic artsy social scene. When I'm there I'm so preoccupied with being accepted by your culture. I completely lose myself, in a good way. I think about growing my hair long, wearing Lululemon clothes, drinking artisan cocktails. It's a fun costume to wear. But so exhausting. This time I went so far as to rent two tons of ski gear to prove I can play the part. I was even reminded that some people just go to the ski lodge to hang out. But no, I jumped right on it. All I needed was an example and I followed it the best I could. Ann even complimented my skiing skills. I was copying her after all. Not that she realizes that.

I'm just trying to figure out why I do this to myself. Is there any part of me that is naturally drawn to the Boulder lifestyle? Can we be totally honest? Check this out: I paid $3 for a bunch of cilantro at Whole Foods in Boulder. When faced with the same price in Chicago I responded by saying hell no, and I biked over to the Cermak Mexican Market where I bought 3 bunches for $.10 apiece. It's the principle of it. But there's no Mexican market in Boulder, at least not that I could see. There's a lot of privelege in Boulder, and not much room for someone like me who is scraping by as a single working mom. I've been fighting this sentiment. It sounds like I'm giving up. I can't have gone through all this therapy and sacrifice just to decide it's better to stay put. But when I think of all I'd be giving up in this homogenous town with its yoga moms and biker dads, each one more meticulously groomed than the next...it sounds like eye candy and no substance. Now that's not true, Ann has found many people with substantial interests. And good looks. So it happens. But then there's me. I work full time so social opportunities are few and far between now, let alone in a faraway town where I'd be the sole caregiver for my daughter.

Then there's my daughter. Her closest friends live in the lap of luxury in Boulder. They don't flaunt it, thankfully. She can't help but want what they have. The truth is that we will barely have enough money to afford a roof over our heads, and the constant reminder of our lack of wealth is very real. I looked at a studio that cost about the same as my 2 bed/2 bath. Wake up call. No laundry, no walls. One room with a kitchen, bath, and a closet. I remember when I moved in with my ex and I thought I was done with that lifestyle forever. I can't possibly go back, not with a 9 year old as my roommate.

Time to be honest, dummy.