It's bad, that's all.

Disconnected. I'm looking at the most stunning sunrise I've ever seen and wishing I could sublime into the clouds. It was dark before the dawn. It remains dark even as I shield my eyes from the burning rays. I'm trying to focus on the rock that soars from the mountain's edge, saluting and absorbing the sun's warmth on its blade. Casting a lavender shadow on the mountain's bushy green brow. Too much beauty and I'm on the verge of succumbing.

These dips make everything that is good-fade into a haze. My heart, my spirit, my whole being is shattered, pieces floating in a soup of garbage. Lacking even the courage to cry. Dreaming of hell. Bloated purple bodies and brown, oil-stained memories of meaningless rituals and empty praises. Confounded at how an infusion of undivided free time in an unspoiled land can feel so confining. Stomach in knots. Fearful that I won't ever touch the earth again, or the sea, or even the air. I'm nowhere, dissipating/disappearing into the space between everything.

I'm lost in a maze of chemicals. Slashing at everything and not even sure why. I'm slashing at the pills that are supposed to free me from this, to which I owed my life at one point. A regimen that once pulled me out of despair is now trapping me inside its walls. I want less. And I want more. I feel nothing but it hurts so much. Even crying hurts. Loneliness hurts, and companionship hurts. Hairs dropping from my scalp. I'm traumatized down to my pores, and completely numb.