This anxious feeling is nothing new. I used to dread Saturdays because this awful terror would arise like clockwork by noon. When I was married I would have spent the early hours of the day drinking coffee and doing projects quietly so my husband could sleep till 10 or 11. I'd get so impatient to be out in the world that I'd scribble a note and go, often returning moments later because I forgot my wallet or phone, only to find him awake on the couch enjoying my absence, usually watching the dvr'ed game or race from the day before. What a shitty realization that my partner was scheduling his waking hours around when I'd be least available. Now I live with his daughter. Our daughter. She is even more agoraphobic than her dad. It makes her happy to sit indoors with windows sealed and blinds shut. All of her favorite activities take place indoors. She shuts down on the weekends when nothing is required of her. I'm the exact opposite. I bought her a phone plan so I'd have more freedom to come and go, leaving her safe at home with neighbors nearby in case of emergencies. It hasn't planned out that way. Today I spent a 77 degree day--with 99% sunshine--indoors, waiting on her. Just now she changed her mind and decided in fact she does want dinner. Ten minutes ago the answer was "no, leave me alone!"
Fuck. My. Life.
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