Deflecting all the energy today. Trying to stand by my self and my needs. I'm trying hard to fit in here. And somehow the idea of seeing people who aren't here in this with me every day is causing me to crack. I'm obsessively trying to think of what kind of excuses would be acceptable. Because radio silence is clearly the worst thing I could project. Listening to Runaway by The National. Runaway is a title I can relate to. As soon as I'm safe and secure, I can't help but think about bailing out. It happened 3 weeks into my new job. It happened 5 years into my marriage. 50 pages into Jane Eyre. 2 years into piano lessons. Love/hate. Living on a razor's edge here.
Fantasizing about going back to Chicago. Living 4 blocks away from my daughter's dad. Home schooling. Being free of my old ties. Lighter than when I left. Golden highlights in my skin and hair, trophies to prove my endurance in the elements. And then I think, I'm winning. Why retire? Why go back to the pollution and scowls and desperate anger and tears. I can never return to what I knew. It only exists in the matrix like an etched record of what was, and can only be replayed on the victrola in my mind. New sounds and pictures are all I have in the now, new explorations and experimentations.
The mountain will know what I mean.
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