Maintenance

I've had some pretty big ups and downs since I abandoned my securities and came to Colorado to start over.

On Sunday I went on an 11.5 mile hike. Hard ups, fast downs, till I left feeling nothing but exhaustion. A perfect metaphor for what being on in your own feels like. Sure, I was in the middle of 60 other climbers, and that helped me stay motivated. But it was my own reserves and training that got me all the way through that thing.

Could be poor quality of sleep that's extending my recovery. I've been wrecked emotionally for days. Irritated, short tempered, unable to conjure up small talk or pleasantries. I'm worried I might never come back around.

Friends seem distant. My job feels foreign. My face doesn't look like me. Clothes feel weird. All I want is sleep and even that is hard to get. Can't read any more news. Tv seems empty. Books hurt my eyes. Alcohol makes my head throb. Running out of my meds. Don't know if I'll be insured in a month.

Feels like being lost in the mountains, a series of false summits and no downhill in sight.