The tension was getting to me

I had the best laugh with my best friend yesterday, combined with the best cry and followed by the best buzz and the best pig out dinner. It's funny how in the face of anxiety, it is sometimes (but usually not) so easy to turn the page and see all the truly worthwhile rewards ahead. I need to get back into my running practice because I need this in my life every day; "I'm struggling to breathe and everything hurts right now, but wait, look over there, is that a life affirming view of a cloud or a mountain or a dolphin, presented in front of me for no other reason than I deserve to partake in something beautiful and magical? And wasn't I just in pain a minute ago? Because it's all better now." Being on the end of that statement sure beats being on the front of it. Two days ago I was ready to close the door on a year's worth of effort to make a positive change for Zoe and me. Anyway, all that matters is we are back on track. Let the moving begin.

Pizza (and beer)

Cause for celebration! The con artist didn't get my money. I am grateful beyond words! The bank reversed my wire transfer and I have 2100 back, which makes the whole prospect of moving a little easier!

We're celebrating with pizza!

I have an appointment to see through Ann's eyes the apartment of my dreams! Or at least the only one that called back with a vacancy. This time tomorrow I might be registering my new address!

One intervention and one don't let the door hit you on the ass

I couldn't be myself yesterday. I was lying awake at 3 am trying to make sense of the pushing and pulling I felt while my brother's wife made hints at how we weren't ready for a move. There are two of you now, she reminded me. (Which is a hell of a lot better than three?) I don't really know what she meant, except that I might be rushing into this. For the last 2 years. Sending dozens of resumes and reaching out to the masses who would receive me with open arms. I tried to explain that I'm not as naive as it seems. The loss of Zoe's weekend visits with her dad is literally the least of my concerns. She'll be surrounded by dads and brothers and grandpas of the highest quality. Not to mention she'll have her mom available (hopefully) more often. And mountains. And peace. Sometimes it feels like I've never had the chance to be in charge. And that's what drives me more than anything. Too many people meddling and telling me how to do shit.

And then Michael brought my bike back. Seeking closure, seeking a clean break and last wishes of good luck. Acting like a plastic fake-smiling version of himself. Hints that he would like to pick up and leave too, but reassurance that soon he'll move to the city where he always wanted to be. Maybe a different city. He wanted me to know he wouldn't miss me when he gets where he's going.

I'm in here, my spirit is alive whether I'm wanted or missed or forgotten entirely. It craves the sunlight and magnetic energy of a mountain range, the electricity of others feeding on that sweet air. It just feels like it's been slain, pruned and excised from the family garden. Perhaps I was not a native species after all, I might have always belonged somewhere else. I thrived for a time, but conditions are no longer ideal and I'm withering here.

If I stay here, trouble will find me.

The opposite of bliss

I wasn't prepared for how many letdowns I would face in the midst of moving. On some level I am grateful, because I had always been so naive about this. I thought it would be just like leaving for college. You sign the lease, they're like, great, you're in, and you show up with your carfull of clothes and your comforter and start taping posters to the wall.

The first letdown was the worst. I had a garden unit picked out, in a quiet out of the way neighborhood, had everything we needed and more. But. Unbelievably. It didn't exist. And I lost a paycheck and then some because I fell 1000% for a scam.

Then there was the very short-lived dream of using my equity to buy a little condo near downtown. As soon as the loan officer got to the part about employment, I knew this wasn't going to happen. Naturally you are required to have steady employment to get a $150000 loan. I won't be employed for at least a month because I brilliantly decided to leave a perfectly good job to live without an income in one of the wealthiest places in the country.

And then there's Amy. She sounded so promising, with her little ranch for rent, not as close as I'd like, but very homey and the most appropriate setting yet for a 4th grader and her mom. She hinted that she needed to do some upgrades, and that it would be worth it if she had a longer term renter in the wings. I said, yes, we would be renting at least a couple of years... Nope, sorry, not gonna work, she says. No can do.

Today I'm back to looking at tiny 1 br apartments with no amenities. Still promising, but no idea if they'll rent to a single mom with no income. And nobody will meet me on the mid-month move in.

Can I please give up?

I was watching the movie Unbroken last night. The line that the main character told himself was "if I can take it, I can make it." It started out as his brother's urging to outrun his track opponents. Then it helped him survive weeks at sea after his plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean. Then years of brutal abuse in a POW camp in Japan. (Then my laptop battery ran out of juice so who knows what else he endured. Leprosy? Identity theft? I guess he could endure about anything.)

So as I sit here on this bright sunny Saturday morning, feeling so warm and safe and nestled, I feel like I've had to take so much, and yet I haven't even given anything up yet. The worst is yet to come, and I'm starting to think that the outcome can't be any better than sitting here in utter peace with my surroundings and situation. I'm starting to think there is no "better" or "worse" way of living. Only different. And does it really do any good to throw all the puzzle pieces up in the air every 5 years and figure out the big picture all over again? Just to end up with the same picture? And an aching head from all the pieces I've misplaced?

This is insanity. The definition of insanity.

A twisted reminder

Today I felt like wearing my dragonfly necklace, which has always symbolized important changes on the horizon. Unfortunately the chain is knotted and I am picking at it with shaky fingers, trying to untangle it. The metaphor could not be more apt.

I'm looking into a condo on the outskirts of Boulder. I didn't plan on buying, but with all the mess and uncertainty I'm facing, it feels like a somewhat wise decision. Stable. Roomy. Garage to dump my things. I can only hope though, there are no answers until there are answers.

Not a knot

The old pros and cons...and we have a winner

I started this post a week ago when I thought I would be unloading my condo in a hurry, for less than I wanted. After thinking it over my answer was "no to the uh to the no no no." A week later I am enjoying the afterglow of accepting a better offer, for more money, and a less stressful time frame. Life is good.

Zoe is having anxiety. I tried telling her what Ann said about trying to turn it around and call it "excited" instead. I tried to reassure her that I've got this. But I have to put myself in her shoes and see that it took me 41 years to get brave enough to move away from my home town. I cant imagine how scared I would've been at her age to be starting over in a new town, new school. Hopefully this won't traumatize her, but rather inspire her to take risks when she's an adult.

Back to me. I'm ready. Last night I gave myself a night off to just bask in gratitude. Today I begin the process of eliminating all the stuff. Before I was married I had so little stuff, I used a Corolla to move to my first apartment in the city. A few keepsakes and a cat. I've amassed so many heavy furniture pieces, hand me downs. Even after dumping so much stuff while moving out of my marital home, I ended up with piles of junk. Turn it into cash or squeeze it into the dumpster, that's my job for the next 7 weeks.

Cursed bicycle

I brought my bicycle to Michael's house last spring. We went for a nice ride on a warm day. Storm clouds were approaching. He was nervous about going out when the horizon looked so gray. But I was focused on the cool breeze and blue sky to the east. He stopped and took a phone call while I circled him, like a bored child. Soon we felt the drops. They polka dotted our tee shirts and pant legs as we gained speed. We returned to his house and locked the bicycles in the garage, where they remained for the rest of the year. 

By now the air's gone out of the tires, the chain is getting rusty, brakes are shot. It's a dirty, dusty metaphor for our once-promising relationship. It's as good as forgotten to me, locked inside a garage with an old Model T that's out of gas and no one's really sure how to start. For someone who said he cared, he sure lost interest fast. As did I. I miss that bike but it was a symbol of my past, and there's a newer, smoother ride on my horizon.

In motion

The photographer is coming to shoot photos inside my condo. I spent the entire weekend cleaning out the dust and ghosts of the past 3 years, and then some. The clumps of history bound together in bags and bundles were unraveled and launched down the trash chute unceremoniously. Polished patches of floor are visible for the first time in a year. Clothes are washed and folded. Bed sheets are smoothed. It's a shame I only get this organized when I'm about to bail. Wonder what it is about staying still that makes me get sloppy and sad. I crave a stable place but when I find it I feel smothered.

I reached out to Barb, the realtor, last week. I had known she would be the one I would call, and was working up the mental strength to do it after spring break. But in that moment I was thinking this is so hard, that I had better do it while my blood was pumping with caffeine, because I might easily talk myself out of it if I waited.

Just like that, I let go and let my soul take over. My soul was lingering in that mountain paradise where I spent the previous week. My body was back in my home town where life is predictable and still. It was obvious who should win out.

My soul is happy today, knowing I'm headed for higher ground with my dear heart Zoe in tow. I'm even starting to think about the lucky duck who gets to live in my condo next. I think I imparted some good energy inside those walls.