The opposite of bliss

I wasn't prepared for how many letdowns I would face in the midst of moving. On some level I am grateful, because I had always been so naive about this. I thought it would be just like leaving for college. You sign the lease, they're like, great, you're in, and you show up with your carfull of clothes and your comforter and start taping posters to the wall.

The first letdown was the worst. I had a garden unit picked out, in a quiet out of the way neighborhood, had everything we needed and more. But. Unbelievably. It didn't exist. And I lost a paycheck and then some because I fell 1000% for a scam.

Then there was the very short-lived dream of using my equity to buy a little condo near downtown. As soon as the loan officer got to the part about employment, I knew this wasn't going to happen. Naturally you are required to have steady employment to get a $150000 loan. I won't be employed for at least a month because I brilliantly decided to leave a perfectly good job to live without an income in one of the wealthiest places in the country.

And then there's Amy. She sounded so promising, with her little ranch for rent, not as close as I'd like, but very homey and the most appropriate setting yet for a 4th grader and her mom. She hinted that she needed to do some upgrades, and that it would be worth it if she had a longer term renter in the wings. I said, yes, we would be renting at least a couple of years... Nope, sorry, not gonna work, she says. No can do.

Today I'm back to looking at tiny 1 br apartments with no amenities. Still promising, but no idea if they'll rent to a single mom with no income. And nobody will meet me on the mid-month move in.

Can I please give up?

I was watching the movie Unbroken last night. The line that the main character told himself was "if I can take it, I can make it." It started out as his brother's urging to outrun his track opponents. Then it helped him survive weeks at sea after his plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean. Then years of brutal abuse in a POW camp in Japan. (Then my laptop battery ran out of juice so who knows what else he endured. Leprosy? Identity theft? I guess he could endure about anything.)

So as I sit here on this bright sunny Saturday morning, feeling so warm and safe and nestled, I feel like I've had to take so much, and yet I haven't even given anything up yet. The worst is yet to come, and I'm starting to think that the outcome can't be any better than sitting here in utter peace with my surroundings and situation. I'm starting to think there is no "better" or "worse" way of living. Only different. And does it really do any good to throw all the puzzle pieces up in the air every 5 years and figure out the big picture all over again? Just to end up with the same picture? And an aching head from all the pieces I've misplaced?

This is insanity. The definition of insanity.