Departures

I took him to the airport for his 20 hour journey to Israel. Somehow I was still wiping tears when I got back to Mt Prospect. He's going to an actual war zone. Missiles in the sky, for real. Last thing I said was "IloveyouIhadsomuchfunwithyouyesterday" and didn't give him a chance to say "I love you" back. But I heard it clearly in the early hours of the day when he thought I was asleep. Feels so childish to still have hang ups around those words. We spent a good part of my therapy session talking about whether I even mean it when I say those words. I only said it to my ex husband the first couple of years. Then the infatuation wore off, and I still said it, only it felt like I was telling a pet hamster, or some poor thing that needed to be told to calm its fears. It's possible I've never felt real love. I was just raised on mindless tv and Hollywood movies that taught me the words to say to make glamorous moments out of what would otherwise be emptiness. Maybe I say it because it calms my fears. The last photo booth photo we took...he said "you look sad!" I can't explain it, I thought I felt pretty good. Wish we did one more. It's too late now.

We had two hours to kill between wedding events. We went to the mall. Ate ice cream. Talked. Laughed. I told him I'm not ready to move in with anyone. Would be so much easier to sort this out if I didn't love our time together.